by Noah Pires
October 24, 2018
We have good news, I didn't go negative this week! We also have bad news, I didn't go positive. In week one, I went 8-8 and felt some type of way, and now, 6 weeks later, I reached that same pinnacle: 7-7. Over these past 7 weeks, I realized something: I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I haven't gone over .500 yet, and if I keep trying to rationalize my picks, I'm not sure it'll ever happen. Because of this, I made a decision this week, one which could work fantastically, or put me 6 feet under. For week 8, I decided to ask one of my friends, who doesn't watch football outside of the Giants (guess who he picked to win that game this week) to pick my games this week. Honestly, this is the most confidence I have had yet. Let's get into it.
CURRENT RECORD: 46-61-0
MIAMI DOLPHINS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-7.5)
PICK: TEXANS (-7.5)
And we're back with some confidence, mostly because I'm not the one making the picks. Because I wasn't the one to pick the games, I will have very little rationalization for "my" picks, but I'll give some points as to why someone would pick this spot.
Watson apparently isn't able to go on planes, which is a great sign for quarterbacks. Despite his injuries, the Texans are HAWT and the Dolphins are starting Brock Osweiler and their receiving corps consists of Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and have Frank Gore in the backfield. What's sad is I'm not lying about them having one of those skill position players. Anyways, I don't hate the Texans, especially at home on a short week.
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-3.5) VS JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (ENGLAND)
PICK: EAGLES (-3.5)
WHAT. A. GAME. The Jags are pretty much playing at home, and Blake Bortles legitimately might cry tears of joy when he walks onto the field. If that happens, the Eagles have no chance. On the other hand, Blake may be Blake, and the Eagles will stomp on the Jaguars like the sorry excuse of the team they are. Hyde will likely make his debut, and their WR corps is nothing impressive. On the flipside, the "elite" defense just allowed 20 points to the Texans and Deshaun Watson's one lung, as well as 40 to the Cowboys. Wentz should have no problem dropping a cheeky 30 on the Jags in the Queen's presence.
P.S. Carson Wentz looks exactly like Prince Harry, if he's an alpha, he'll show London who the real red-headed king is.
BALTIMORE RAVENS (-1.5) @ CAROLINA PANTHERS
PICK: PANTHERS (+1.5)
The Ravens are a super solid team, and the Panthers are a little more unknown. The Panthers came back late last week to beat the Eagles, but I'm not sure it'll be as easy treading this week against Baltimore. Then again, the Ravens have Joe Flacco at the helm, so anything could happen. I personally would've chosen the Ravens, but what the fuck do I know?
NEW YORK JETS @ CHICAGO BEARS (-6.5)
PICK: JETS (+6.5)
Remember when I shit on the Dolphins earlier in this article for having no WR depth? Well, the Jets are down to Robby Anderson, Jermaine Kearse, and newly signed Rishard Matthews. Along with these studs, they may be without Bilal Powell. The Bears D hasn't looked elite as of late, but this should be a bounceback spot for them. For all these reasons, I LOVE the Bears, especially since they are staying at home (played in Chicago last week as well), but again, these aren't my picks. I guess I'm running with the Jets...
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-4.5)
PICK: BENGALS (-4.5)
Ok, this is one I like. The Bengals are coming off a pretty terrible offensive performance against the Chiefs, so I doubt they put up a dud 2 weeks in a row, especially playing the Buccaneers at home. Their defense isn't awful either, and they should be able to turn over Jameis Winston. I'd expect them to take advantage of these turnovers and ice this game.
SEATTLE SEAHAWKS @ DETROIT TIGERS (-2.5)
PICK: SEAHAWKS (+2.5)
Seattle's coming off a bye, but I'm not sure I trust them in this spot. They aren't the same team on the road as they are at home, and Detroit certainly has the offesnive pieces to exploit that. One thing Seattle can do that Detroit is lacking in, though, is running the ball. Detroit has sucked at stopping the run, and Seattle has shown their ability to deploy 3 different backs throughout the course of a game. The Lions recently traded for Damon Harrison, who should sure up their interior line a bit, but I'm not sure it completely fixes the issue, especially in his first week. I don't really like this pick, but then again, I'm a fraud.
DENVER BRONCOS @ KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (-10.5)
PICK: CHIEFS (-10.5)
I actually like this one. Sure, it's a huge spread in a divisional game, which is a spot where I usually favor the underdog, but they're playing in Arrowhead. Earlier this season, they played in Denver, where the Broncos are much better at, and the Chiefs still won by 4. Denver's defense isn't great, and now that Mahomes has seen what they're made of, I'd expect him to show them who daddy is.
WASHINGTON REDSKINS (-0.5) @ NEW YORK GIANTS
PICK: GIANTS (+0.5)
The Giants STINK. If you read the intro, you know why this pick was made, but I just don't see it happening. Sure, it's a divisional game and the G-Men are at home, but I'm not confident that they can beat any team, and the NFC East division leader should be able to fend off Eli. Despite this, I stuck with my method, and we're going with the damn Giants here.
CLEVELAND BROWNS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (-7.5)
PICK: STEELERS (-7.5)
Another one I'm a fan of. These two teams played earlier this year and tied, which is becoming a trend for the Brownies. Coming off a bye and playing at home should bode well for Big Ben and the Steelers, and I expect them to take advantage of whatever Cleveland gives them. The Steelers have a solid run D, and ever since Joe Haden has been shadowing, their pass defense hasn't been terrible. I'm not sure Baker will be able to do enough in this spot to keep it close.
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS (-2.5) @ OAKLAND RAIDERS
PICK: COLTS (-2.5)
I HATE this one. Honestly, Oakland may be my LOCK OF THE MF CENTURY. They are coming off a bye and just lost half their team, whether it be to injury or Jon Gruden's magic touch. Despite this, I think Derek Carr is going to blow the fuck up in this spot. The guy is an emotional rollercoaster, and this week, in a spot where he will be able to throw, he might just drop 350 and 3 scores. Also, I have a funny feeling about having Doug Martin (29 years old), Jared Cook (31 years old), and Jordy Nelson (33 years old) being the Raiders' #1's at the three skill positions. Everything looks like it would be a bad spot for the Raiders, which is why I like them. Despite all this, I'm going with the Colts, because the chances of all this happening are slim to none. Also, my Locks never hit, so honestly, disregard my first sentence (and if it was right, be sure that I'll brag about it).
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ ARIZONA CARDINALS (-0.5)
PICK: CARDINALS (-0.5)
This is a great spot in my opinion. The Cards' pass rush should give Beathard nightmares and their secondary should be able to handle whatever San Fran will try to throw at them. The Cards' weakest spot on D is their run-stopping ability, but if Breida's out, I'm not worried about Alfred Morris and Mostert killing them. As for Zona's offense, it can't get any worse than it was under Mike McCoy, so they should be able to put up some points on the sad 9ers' D. In a game that's essentially a pickem', I like taking the team who I think is overall just better.
GREEN BAY PACKERS @ LOS ANGELES RAMS (-8.5)
PICK: PACKERS (+8.5)
The Rams' defense isn't that great, so Green Bay should be able to score throughout. Do I think the Packers win? No, but if they keep this within one score, they're the pick. Rodgers should be able to put up enough points on the board to make this game closer than it should be, and with that being the case, I'm not sure the Rams will be able to win by 9+.
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ MINNESOTA VIKINGS (-0.5)
PICK: SAINTS (+0.5)
The Vikings have been solid offensively, boasting one of the best receiving duos in the league, but defensively, they haven't quite lived up to expectations. The Saints, however, started off the year looking like frauds defensively, but have recently picked it up. They have a top-tier run defense, so the only way I expect the Vikings to score is through the air. This should be a high scoring game, and in a dome, I'm putting my money on Drew Brees to outscore Kirk and the Purple People Eaters.
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-13.5) @ BUFFALO BILLS
The Bills are at home in this spot, but they suck. If Josh Allen was at QB, I would take them for the sole fact that he has that unknown in him where he might just throw a 90 yard tuddy and run for 100 and a score or two. At QB, they've got Derek Anderson, who is a known commodity, and a shitty one at that. If there's one thing I know, it's that Bill Belichick has no heart and will do anything in his power to obliterate a team. 13.5 is chump change to him in this spot. This game honestly might finish 50-3 and it's a shame we have to watch a massacre in the primetime slot.
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