by Noah Pires
October 10, 2018
If you are no longer following my picks, I do not blame you. My picks have been nothing but pathetic, as I haven't been over .500 in any single week thus far. If you're still reading this, I'm guessing you find my atrocious picks comical, laughing at my misery. Whatever, do what you must, I'm just trying to get by. After going 5-10 this past week, I've kind of lost all hope of every seeing the light of a positive record. Because of this, I'm really not going to go into too much depth about these games, since, as you know, it hasn't helped one bit. Instead, I'm just going to be giving first impressions. Yep, gut picks, nothing but a feeling. I've learned (from my own pickem' pool) that those who know the least about football end the year with the best record, so I'm going to put myself in their shoes. Let's quit the rambling and jump into this bad boy.
Current Record: 32-46-0
Philadelphia Eagles (-3.5) @ New York Giants
Pick: Giants (+3.5)
You may think, why is your confidence so low? Spoiler alert, all will be 0/10 until I stop shitting my pants and turn this bus around. So what are my gut feelings about this? Let's jump into them.
The Eagles a frauds, nothing but a collection of fraudulent players. That may be harsh, but I speak the truth. This is a divisional matchup, meaning Eli will want to prove he isn't just a corpse wearing a uniform, especially playing in front of a hometown crowd. I don't doubt the Eagles are better than the G-Men, but the question is, by how much?
Now, circling back to my first point, here's the reason why I think the Giants cover: the Eagles are frauds who don't think they are, and the Giants are frauds who have accepted that fact. Thursday night games have been entertaining thus far, so I think this is the matchup where we revert back to the norm, where we see 2 teams put up duds. I wouldn't be surprised to see a 13-10 finish, and maybe the Eagles win, but in that case, the G-Men cover, which is good enough for me.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)
Pick: Falcons (-3.5)
If there's one thing I learned from The Office, it was "KISS": Keep It Simple Stupid. Sure the Bucs are coming off a bye, and maybe they prepared for the Falcons and figured out how to expose their depleted defense, but at the end of the day, the Bucs have Winston at QB. When Jameis is behind center, he makes any defense look good against him, and since this is the case, the Falcons may not look like a complete trainwreck defensively.
WHEN Jameis turns it over, the Falcons will be able to exploit a shit Bucs' D with Calvin Ridley, Mohamed Sanu, and Austin Hooper in the receiving game. I think they have another guy on the perimeter, can't think of his name right now. All I know is he can't find the endzone. Anyway, the Bucs will be exposed coming off a bye, and the Falcons will win in a blowout fashion at home.
Pittsburgh Steelers @ Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5)
Pick: Steelers (+2.5)
The last time I saw someone Steel a Bengal, I was watching The Hangover *badum tiss*. Shitty jokes aside, I'm taking the Steelers here. Why? Because I think the Bengals will win in a blowout. As you've seen from my previous picks, my reasoning for my picks don't seem to work to my benefit, so my initial thoughts that the Bengals have a comparable offense to the Steelers and a better defense would lead me to choose the Bengals, especially with them at home. Well, because of that, I'm going Steelers, simply because I, myself, am a fraud.
Los Angeles Chargers (-.5) @ Cleveland Browns
Pick: Chargers (-.5)
This is essentially a pickem, and with the way Mayfield is playing, that's what Derwin James will do this Sunday (get it, he'll pickem off). In all seriousness, the Chargers are traveling from Cali to Cleveland, facing off against their rivals, who beat them 2 seasons ago to avoid an 0-16 season. The Chargers got absolutely embarassed, nothing new for them, but I doubt they let a rookie QB walk all over them. The Chargers D has been awful, but the Browns are the Browns. They could legitimately be 5-0, but they're the Browns, and the Chargers have only lost to the Rams and the Chiefs, both of which, ARE 5-0. They haven't been great, but you don't need to be to beat the GD Browns.
Buffalo Bills @ Houston Texans (-7.5)
Pick: Bills (+7.5)
The Texans are at home, and the Bills' QB is just Uncle Rico with 4.8 speed; what more is there to say? Sure, the Texans' defense blows, but last week, the Cowboys only managed 16 points against them, having a similarly shitty quarterback situation. As long as Bill O'Brien doesn't murder Deshaun Watson during the game by continuously running him into linebackers on the goal line, the Texans should be able to cover.
Chicago Bears (-3.5) @ Miami Dolphins
Pick: Bears (-3.5)
Similar to the Eagles, the Dolphins are frauds. The Dolphins, though, are a combination of the Eagles and the Giants in the sense that they are proven frauds, but unlike them, think they are no longer frauds. The Bears, on the other hand, have a wild defense with an offense that is elite as long as Matt Nagy is holding Mitchell Trubisky's hand. The Bears have had a week to script up some plays against the Dolphins, which bodes well for their offense, and their defense should make Ryan Tannehill look like he has in the previous two weeks. If we're lucky, we might see Brock Osweiler against the Bears defense. That would be a damn show.
Arizona Cardinals @ Minnesota Vikings (-10.5)
Pick: Vikings (-10.5)
The Vikings haven't been great thus far, but the Cardinals are an absolute trainwreck. David Johnson isn't being utilitzed and their #1 receiver is a 47 year old who is dealing with hamstring pain. Their pass defense is actually decent, but their run D is pitiful. Even with the Vikings' o-line problems, I think if Dalvin Cook plays, even with his injury, he'll shitpump the Cardinals' front 7. 10.5 is a big spread, but against Josh Rosen, who will quiver in the presence of the SKOL clap, I'm sure Minnesota will cover.
Indianapolis Colts @ New York Jets (-2.5)
Pick: Colts (+2.5)
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the Jets can't do well in 2 consecutive weeks. Isaiah Crowell looked like CJ2K last week, so I expect him to revert back to Trent Richardson against the Colts. As for the Colts, they aren't great in their own right, but what separates them is Andrew Luck. Luck isn't great, but he's going up against Sam Darnold, who's rivaling Blake Bortles for the interception title. The Colts' defense isn't awful, and should be able to hold off the thick, trunky, coastal, kid (shoutout Colin Cowherd).
Seattle Seahawks (-2.5) vs Oakland Raiders (London Game)
Pick: Seahawks (-2.5)
The Seahawks are another team that falls into that fraudulent category. They almost beat the Rams last week, while they almost lost to the Cardinals the week prior. They are a completely different team at home than they are on the road, but playing in London shouldn't be a problem. The Raiders can't put any pressure on the QB, and since this is Wilson's biggest problem (time in the pocket), they Seahawks should finally eat on offense. Seattle is always raining, and so is England, so if anything, they'll be in a familiar situation.
Carolina Panthers @ Washington Redskins (-.5)
Pick: Panthers (+.5)
Did you see the Redskins last week? This was a classic argument of rest vs rust coming off the bye, but my verdict is that they're just trash. I'd venture to say Carolina is better on both sides of the ball, giving them the advantage over Washington. This game is practically a pickem', so I'll take the team who I think is better. Initially, I though this was too easy of a pick to choose Carolina, so I wanted to pick the Skins, then, I thought, that's exactly what Vegas wants me to do. Fuck Nevada, I'm going with the Panthers.
Los Angeles Rams (-6.5) @ Denver Broncos
Pick: Broncos (+6.5)
The Rams are on the road for the second straight week, facing 2 of the toughest hometown crowds over that span. In Seattle, their 12th man snuck up on them, keeping the game close throughout the contest. 2 of their 3 receivers got their heads taken off, and both are questionable this week. Heading into Denver, I feel like they'll be in a similar situation. Denver held off the Chiefs for the most part 2 weeks ago, and they should bounce back from their embarrassing loss to the Jets last week. If Swag Kelly was lining up behind center, this would be the Lock of the MF Century. Until then, they'll just scrape by, keeping this game within 6.5.
Jacksonville Jaguars (-2.5) @ Dallas Cowboys
Pick: Cowboys (+2.5)
This is the QB matchup of the damn season. I expect this game to end somewhere in the realm of 7-9. There may be more picks thrown and sacks than points scored in this game. This all really comes down to who I think will hold onto the ball longer, and with Zeke in the backfield, the Cowboys should be able to pound the rock and waste time. Obviously the Jags' defense is better than what the Cowboys have, but they aren't a poor unit by any means. At home, the Cowboys can hopefully keep this close.
Baltimore Ravens (-2.5) @ Tennessee Titans
Pick: Titans (+2.5)
The Ravens lost the the Browns last week, and the Titans lost to the Bills. From what I've seen, I can't tell if the Titans are any good, as they've lost to the Dolphins and Bills, and beat the Jags, Eagles, and Texans. My first impression was to choose the Ravens, but as I've said before, my decisions haven't been the greatest. Because of my confidence in the Ravens, I'm going for the Titans this week.
Kansas City Chiefs @ New England Patriots (-3.5)
Pick: Patriots (-3.5)
This could be the most exciting game of 2018 thus far. The over/under is set at 59.5, and with both defenses being awful, and both offenses being elite, this game may end 35-30. Despite this over/under, I have a sneaky feeling that the Pats will limit the Chiefs' offense. Last year, the Pats got shown up on the opening night, and I'm not sure Belichick will let this happen again. Mahomes has looked incredible, but Bill has likely been studying his ass off to find some weaknesses, and may expose them this week. I expect Belichick to show up in a gray hoodie with cut off sleeves looking for revenge. For Kansas City's sake, that isn't a good combination.
San Francisco 49ers @ Green Bay Packers (-9.5)
Pick: Packers (-9.5)
The Packers are in need of a win, and are playing at home against a depleted roster. If that doesn't have blowout written all over it, I don't know what does. ARod has looked much better recently than he had earlier in the season, and he should drop some knowledge on the 9ers. 9.5 is a huge spread, but I'm not sure how many points San Fran can put up, even against a weak GB D.
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October 11, 2018
Pal, I suck at fantasy! I screwed up and stuck with Alvin Kamara as my number one without preparing, and Conners as my number 2, and Breida as my number 3…now Im looking at AK scoring rb2 and less and Conner potentially sitting, and Breida prob out this week. Trades arent gonna happen in my league, I have alot of savy guys in my league…so I picked up Alfred Morris and I have Royce Freeman on bench. Any ideas how to escape this?
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